Love In Time Of Corona

3 Ways the Pandemic Has Changed Dating and Relationships…for the Better

I think we can all agree there are not a lot of good things to be said about the pandemic, but in the realm of dating and relationships, this has been a major growth opportunity. As we all know, growth isn’t always fun, and while it might not have been a barrel of monkeys, we did get some good lessons out of the experience. I’ve outlined three ways that the pandemic actually changed dating and relationships for us…that’s right…for the better.

1. It Made Us Go Deep

Let’s be real. Dating pre- pandemic was shallow at best and toxic at worst, with a motto of “who cares least, wins” it was hard to really get to know someone.

The thing about the pandemic is we had to get real.

The date conversations were no longer based around what kind of car you drive or what your favorite happy hour drink is. We were forced to discuss real issues; issues of lost jobs, lost mental and physical health, even lost family members. We couldn’t skate by on the lite topics or surface connections anymore. It forced us to dive into the deeper conversations, allowing us the opportunity to get to know the other person not simply by titles or status, but by who they truly were.

Yes, opportunity. It is a gift to have someone open up to you and to be able to do the same. It’s freeing to not have to worry that if you go too deep, or reveal something too personal, you might never hear from the person again.

The pandemic helped release us from that, because even the surface conversations are riddled with personal details. Whether it’s admitting you lost your job or revealing your health issues that prevent you from meeting face to face, or discussing when the last time you had a medical test done(remember a COVID test is a medical test), these are all tough conversations to have, but are par for the course in pandemic times.

We are getting to know each other personally, at a far faster rate than ever before. Is that a little scary? Sure. But there’s also a freedom in it. If someone can’t handle your lost job, or medical issues, or views on the pandemic, why waste time or exposure, meeting in person, or even getting to know each other any further. It allows us to know one another and make decisions about being with someone, based on deeper levels of connection and intimacy. It may not be fun, but it’s valuable, creating connection on a deeper level is what makes for lasting relationships. Which brings me to our next point…

2. It Made Us Get Real

I think we all noticed a lot of couples, didn’t make it through the pandemic. Being stuck in the home together, with no outside distractions, forced them to address issues that sometimes can be easy to avoid or ignore in between carpool lines, or work deadlines or the normal go go go lifestyles we were living before the pandemic.

A crisis really enables us to see the truth about the other person, which is essential information. Why? Because life is full of crises, ok maybe not of global pandemic proportion, but pretty big all the same. Life is just..well… life. Meaning, things happen. We can have a health crisis, mental or physical, we can lose family members, lose jobs, have all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, and although the veil of youth often distorts that fact from us, these things do happen.

We need a partner in life to be with us through all that life has to offer, or hurls at us.

If you are with someone, who bolts at the first hint of trouble, or can’t deal with the realities of life, then that is something you need to know. Now, is better than later.

I knew a couple who had a wedding date set for the pandemic, they pushed it back only to find it having to be extended again. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, they announced they were separating. She was moving to New York, he was moving back to his hometown, and they were no longer getting married. The girl shared that amidst the chaos she was grateful that they were able to discover that they were not compatible in the long term, before they got married. It was a blessing in disguise.

And that is the magic of the pandemic. It caused us to get real, real quick. Nothing can zap the romance like a toilet paper shortage.

Face masks, hand sanitizer and global crisis is not sexy.

But that’s the point. That is where so many relationships were failing, they were living in the realm of the ideal, then when inevitably the real would creep in, the relationship couldn’t sustain it. Divorce rates are higher than they’ve ever been and I think a big part of that, is not knowing how to get real in our relationships, or in dating.

Toxic dating culture has played a big part in us creating relationships built on surface level things, but the problem with that is when something is built on a shaky foundation, it can’t stand, when it topples, there is nothing left.

Think of it like a pyramid, if it is built on a solid foundation of stone, and a big wind comes and somehow knocks the top off, no biggie, all is not lost, it can be rebuilt from its foundation.

Now if it the foundation is built from I don’t know, sticks, or whatever the analogous equivalent of surface level intimacy is, then when the wind comes along(as it inevitably will) the whole pyramid goes down. And not only is there nothing left to rebuild with, most couples don’t even want to, because it would be basically starting from scratch. Many find out there really wasn’t a lot there to begin with.

It may seem like a bummer, but it honestly is better to find these things out ahead of time. Sure it may be embarrassing to call off a wedding, but you know what’s worse? Going ahead with something you know isn’t right, then having to navigate a painful and public divorce, possibly with kids in tow. It’s better to find these things out now.

3. It Made Us Get to Know Thyself.

I think we can all admit, throughout the pandemic, our egos took a hit. Suddenly a lot of the high level corporate jobs, six figure incomes, and titles that people had placed their entire identity around, were gone. We had to get real with ourselves.

Who were we now? We weren’t the titles and we weren’t the jobs, because:

Anything that can be taken away from us, is not who we truly are.

So, if we weren’t those things… who or what were we? Not only who were we as individuals but who were we in our relationships?

Some of us may have even had a complete role reversal, if for example, our partner kept their job and we lost ours, we may have gone from being the breadwinner, to the dependent. We could have gone from corporate tycoon to stay at home mom/dad.

Everything might have changed, but change isn’t always a bad thing. As we discussed in the previous section, some of our relationships had gotten a little dusty. So had our identities. We tend to fall into patterns, daily habits of going through the motions. We wake up, go to work, come home, have a beer, pet the dog, kiss our partner, watch a show and go to sleep. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

We wake up and do the same thing day after day, without ever wondering, is this what we truly want? Do we like our jobs? Do we feel like we are giving our highest good in them? What about our partner? Is this truly who we want to be with? Hell, even the beer and dog come into question.

Maybe you’re getting a beer gut and you’re really a cat person.

So many aspects of our lives are determined for us, and we never stop to question if they are really ours. Well..are they?

The pandemic has given us the opportunity to completely re-evaluate those things about ourselves, our partners and our relationships. We get to re-examine everything and build our lives and relationships from scratch. Do we go back to a job we hate? Do we stay in a relationship that is no longer serving us? Do we go back to a friend group that is pulling us down? It’s up to us. We get a re-do of our entire life and all the relationships in it, including the one with ourselves.

The pandemic has turned everything we’ve ever known on its head, but the good thing about being upside down? It gives us a new perspective. Now we can take advantage of the view from down here, get to know ourselves, get to know our partners, and get to know the dynamics of our relationships.

The Takeaway

It’s a whole new world we are entering into, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Let’s take advantage of the few good things the pandemic has given us, and move forward with our dating and relationship life, with a fresh, new perspective. One that will hopefully allow us to dig deep, get to know each other more intimately and build relationships based on foundations that will truly stand the test of time.